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An Open Letter to My Best Friend Who Broke Me.

  I felt compelled to write this and post it on my blog, because I feel like it is the only way that you could ever check up on me... since you have blocked me on everything else imaginable. So maybe this will flash past you, either by you secretly checking up on me... or a mutual friend sharing it with you. I want you to know that I still miss you after all this time.

  We had known each other for over 17 years. Meeting through church when I was so young, I thought you were someone special from the moment I met you, I became just the girl you liked to bug on Sundays. It was unconventional... but we were friends.

  It wasn't until high school hit that we really started to build our friendship though. I knew that I cared about you as more than a friend... and I knew in my heart that you did too. I knew you felt the same but didn't want to admit it to me since I was still so young. I guess in a way you always kind of shut me out of your heart, so I shouldn't feel so surprised.

  After I gave up on you and started to see someone... I kept you as my best friend. I couldn't lose you, I had spent way too much time invested in you. 

  It's been almost 10 years since we became Best Friends. You were always there for me. When I would call you crying in the middle of the night because of how much I missed home, or about how my life was falling apart, how he treated me... I guess I must of broke your heart a few times as well.

  Trev, you were one of my rocks... I convinced myself to keep going every time because you were there to tell me it was okay, that I could rebuild my life. I just couldn't of done it back then without you.

  I like to think I was equally as there for you. Whenever you started a new relationship or endeavor... I was there to cheer you on, get you off and running towards your goals and dreams.

  I really miss the moments where we would die laughing in the car, talking about life... when I would visit and you would travel down to visit and we'd go out and enjoy life together. I still feel bad for that time we went to the movies and you got a parking ticket! I still cry like a baby when I am in my car and a song of ours comes on... we contributed so much to each other's music libraries... I like to think that maybe the same happens to you.

  When my son was born, I was so happy that you were there when I came to visit. I wanted you to be someone special to him. He loved you, that was the time when you first met your now wife.

  I remember being really excited for you as you gushed about how much you had in common with her... but back then I never expected the engagement to come only a few months later... then the wedding 5 months in... but I stayed supportive of you as you gushed about your wedding plans... I remember telling you that I didn't know if being married so soon was such a great idea... I stressed that I was concerned she wouldn't understand our friendship, but you assured me that she was excited to meet me and things wouldn't change.

  I still kick myself that I wasn't able to afford traveling to your wedding. I wanted to go so bad, but being a new mother, starting a new career made it impossible. I now know that, that would of been my only chance to have made a good impression on her. I knew something was wrong when I didn't hear from you for 3 weeks afterwards.

  When I came to visit in the winter... you cried to me over the phone that she didn't want to meet me. She didn't believe that you and I could just be friends. I told you I understood as my heart broke slowly. I told you I would give you space and not bother you too much... but I couldn't just drop you out of my life... but to respect her I would only communicate with you on her terms...

  I guess that wasn't enough... because within days, you had slowly blocked me from every outlet of Social Media that we shared. You now just hang up on me when I call.

  I try to convince myself that it doesn't affect me, what you do with your life is your prerogative. But it did and it still does. The loss that I feel is indescribable... the way I interact with people is awkward... because I am scared. I am scared of finding someone that I treasure as much as I treasured you, then they will just leave. I am scared of relationships because through out all the turmoil I've had to deal with in my life... you were one of the people I believed, loved me purely and unselfishly. I never felt like I had to work for your friendship because we both just mutually wanted the best for one another; unconditionally.

  Trev, I'll always be here if you ever come back. If you don't, please know that I think about you at the most inconvenient times. I cry because I can't tell you how happy I've been able to become, but I am not completely happy... because I don't have you to tell everything to. I comfort myself by thinking that you may feel the same way when I send you the update emails of Adrian and life, that go constantly unanswered.

  It's been a full year now. I miss your presence in my life. But I need to move forward in my life... I'll find a way to do it without you. Thank you for the time you did invest in my life. I will always keep the lessons I learned from you close to my heart.

Love your on hold Best Friend,

Esther (Hades)

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