Tonight I had a realization, an “awakening” so to speak.
I lay in my bed, surrounded in darkness and whispered a statement out loud, surrounded by the sounds of the ones I love asleep in their beds.
“I wish…” I started making sure nobody stirred. “That I was loved the way that I love others.”
As this thought echoed back to me I stopped. A realization donning on me.
My love though, is also imperfect. A flaw to my wish.
“I wish for others to love me the way I love them?!” Why would I wish this upon them?
I love yes, but my anxieties riddle my love with constant doubt of others love they claim to have for me, almost robbing myself of the ability to experience that warmth. They aren’t taking it away from me… I am.
Trust, conditions, monitoring of every action that I do and how it affects the situation… almost defeats the authenticity and reality of me being able to actually enjoy life as it’s happening.
I may be laying in the arms of my loves… yet doubting that moment to be authentic because I’ve placed them in box of me doubting their intentions because of the actions of past shadows.
I’ve been unable to love freely, deeply, purely myself for so long… in the jests of being “jaded” by life… effectively cutting off the supply of joy that I should be rushing towards.
I convinced myself that I was depressed, that my anxieties from my past, somehow permit me to pave the road ahead of me based on these treacherous experiences that I have faced.
Unintentionally setting myself up to fail. Because of these insecurities that I have, I unknowingly place a terms and conditions on my love.
A “love” where someone would have to actively know every emotion/feeling I experience based of the cause/effects of my past life. An unfair disadvantage to say the least, as I alone define the terms.
Selfish.
I felt my depression melt and dissolve into me for the first time in a long time. I could feel and hear my heart beating, the pulse within my veins.
Thinking of all the past experiences that I do not know of the people that I love. As I only know them in the here and now. What has shaped them and their definitions of love, what do they need from me to also experience the warmth that they desire.
As I move forward with this new found energy that I decided to write out… what joys will I discover with others, if I only keep an open heart that not only is willing to warm myself but the people I love around me.
Hadessah