It has been a while since I have written... many things have happened since my very last entry.
To be honest the biggest impact on my life has been the passing of my sister Hannah.
It's affected me emotionally on levels I did not know existed inside of me. As much as I would like to say that I am coping... I really am not. I didn't have that many people in my circle and what many don't realize is that my sister was one of the central people in my life.
No matter what was happening in my life, I could call her up and we would chat for hours about everything and anything. There was never any judgement from her, never any skepticism... no cutting words or back-handed compliments... just pure unconditional love and understanding. We did not have to weigh our words with each other or fear there is a misunderstanding between us... there has never been a soul I've felt as close to as I did my little sister.
Now that she's gone... I feel myself floundering. There's nobody else in my circle who just gets it... nobody that I can call crying my eyes out and not feel stupid for it. Just people who look at me blankly... not knowing what to do or say to "make it better" because nothing will... We helped curb each other's depression and knew we loved each other without worrying about ever losing it.
Going through a divorce? I can deal with it, cause she was there.
Having a manic episode... that's fine, we can safely call one another.
Struggling with our self-worth? It's okay we can call each other and calmly listen to each other validate our existence in this world...
I don't know how to write the emotions I am feeling right now as tears stream down my face... but I feel so lost and lonely. I don't know how to just keep going and I feel like my emotional integrity is wearing away more and more every day.
I feel like a worse person since she's left.
I feel like a worse mother, daughter, partner, friend, or co-worker, and I can't really find a way to like myself right now. Hannah made everyone who knew her a better person and I don't think she fully grasped that while she was alive. I hope that she knows I love her still and I hope she's happy.
I, however, will continue to feel lonely... not knowing how to even begin imagining a life where I'll finally be able to feel normal without her. Constantly questioning the validity of my existence and wondering why God took her first... instead of me. I try to comfort myself by knowing that with her heart condition... she probably couldn't have handled the loss of me... but even without a heart condition... I don't know how I am supposed to just "handle" this.