Updated: Apr 13, 2019
It has been awhile... as it always seems to be. I think that whenever I end a show, my life becomes a blur and I forget about this blog in one way or another, then I am always shocked when I come back to sort my thoughts and months have passed. It effectively reminds me about how quickly time passes every single time.
Anyways, I am not here to moan about lost time. I am here to revel in a small victory for myself. I have legally changed my identity. As of last week... I have officially become Hadessah Lalin.
I know some of you might be scratching your heads because for years I have introduced myself as Hadessah to the online world. I have always had an affinity for the flip side of my original name... my name was Esther.
Now some people are probably wondering... why go through the trouble of changing your name legally if you can just tell people to call you by a different name? Well, my friends, this question is much deeper than I could have ever anticipated.
For those who REALLY know me... they would know that I have gone through a lot of pain and suffering emotionally, mentally, and physically over the past six years. I've gone through a lot... and its left me feeling a void. I saw myself as weak, easily trodden over, invisible, and powerless over my own situation.
Some of the family troubles and people within that family led me to not want to share the last name with them because it was like a slap in the face everytime someone would say it. I felt powerless....
Then one day, after a monumental fight with the father of my child, my friend, my lover... it finally hit me. I could take my power back. When I saw the reality appear in his eyes... that I really was done with all the bullshit (excuse me) but I really must say it to that effect... because it really was just that... bullshit. A glimmer of power returned to me.
I decided in that moment, that Esther was gone. She had to be gone. For the people who ever knew her and liked to act like she didn't exist, so what if she could take the power of her own identity back and metamorphosized into something strong, independent, driven, shiny even?!
I had the power in my own hands all along... but I was so clouded by what irrelevant people thought of me to embrace the wholeness of myself... to accept myself... to allow myself to be worth something again.
So I marched to my computer, visited Government of Canada website... and started the process of separating myself from all the negative tendrils that had wrapped around me for so long.
I sat in the Notary Office, as he looked me in the eyes shocked that I was changing my first, middle, and last name. His words will forever stick with me. "But, if you do this... you'll be a stranger."
I think it's insane how those words full of incredulous wonder at how this woman in front of him, reveled in that thought. "Yes, a stranger..." I responded... "That's all I ever was and will be to those people."
He stamped my paper, I went to the police station, they fingerprinted me... lights flashed, I sealed my envelope with the birth certificate I had clung to since I had possession of it, and waited for approval... all the time, money, and anxiety could still get rejected after all...
Last week... I got my certificate in the mail. First emotion was an overwhelming sense of relief and a feeling of wanting to bawl, as the knot of hatred and anger in my stomach unknotted... knowing I had officially become my own person.
I was also scared... 'What will people think?' I wondered and a feeling of power overcame me as I crushed that thought in my fists and let it go in the wind. The people who truly loved me will understand.
I commemorated my name change with a tattoo I designed on Monday... just for myself.
I am still slowly revealing this revelation to some members of the family. But today I turned 26 years old... not as Esther, but as Hadessah. A woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a boss... who finally feels like some control has returned to her life.
I don't know what kind of adventures await me... but it's a weight off my shoulders and I think that this healing feeling... this sense of calm... that's more than enough for me to shake my head of all the doubts and second-guessing, and just put one foot in front of the other.
Thank you, Hadessah Lalin